Boo

“It is better to ask some of the questions than to know all the answers.”                                                                                                                                             James Thurber

“Why do you call her Boo?”

I stiffened, and looked up at him. My son, Julian, was asking me about the second child that I’d lost. My eyes flicked around the room, trying to find something else to talk about. Because I didn’t want to talk about Boo. Boo’s death was too fresh in my mind, and he was young…too young to understand why I always cried when he mentioned her name.

Her…I just said, “her.” I don’t actually know if Boo was a girl or a boy, she arrived too soon, but I’d always assumed that Boo was a girl because when I was pregnant with her, the curls in my hair curled even tighter, and pink flowers at the bottom of our driveway began to bloom. Not just one or two pink flowers, but an abundance of pink that had surprised me as they arrived during the winter months in the Pacific Northwest.

Boo’s due date was today, October 26, but in the year 2012. She came early in March 2012, but if she’d have been born on her due date, she would be five years old…today. And you might assume that I named her Boo because her due date was so close to Halloween. But, you would be wrong.

“I named her after you.”

“Me?”

“Yes. You. Because from the moment you were born, I called you Boo-Boo Bear. So, I named her Boo so that she could be named after her brother.”

He cocked his head. “I’m a…brother?”

“You are,” I said quietly, a tear rolling down my face.

Julian turned his head away from me to look outside our tall front windows. A sudden radiant smile covered his face. “…cool,” he finally said.

And I hid my face from him…I couldn’t spoil his obvious happiness. Because, although Boo’s due date was October 26, 2012, she was actually “born” on March 26, 2012.

And, March 26 is…Julian’s birthday.

On the day that Julian turned four, I found out that Boo was dead, inside of me.

And how…how could I ever tell him that?

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