“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Ian Maclaren
When I first started writing this blog, not so very long ago, there were very few people in my life who knew the true story of “me.” That I am a mother who has lost five children, and that I tried for several years to make my dream of having a second child come true. I was quite open about my first loss, more secretive with my second loss, and pretty much locked up with the key thrown away when losses three, four and five occurred. And I’ve learned, recently, that this was hurtful to many people who care about me. Why didn’t I tell them what I was going through? Why did I separate, isolate and hide myself behind closed doors? And…why am I telling my story now?
All good questions.
Unfortunately, the answers are complex, individual, multifaceted. And sometimes, the answers are impossible to even put into words.
I think that I could best explain my behavior by telling you a story about someone else, a story that demonstrates the extreme measures some women are willing to go to in order to hide their growing bellies from the world when becoming pregnant again after a loss.
This is a true story about a woman who successfully kept her pregnancy a secret until the day her baby was born. This woman had lost several children prior to this pregnancy, and after suffering the personal, as well as the public aftermath due to those losses, she made the decision to keep her pregnancy hidden in case something went wrong again.
So, she made up a lie.
She told friends and family that she was going to be out-of-town for an entire year at a new job. With that story in place, she then had everything that she needed delivered to her home–even groceries–so that she wouldn’t have to go out in public and risk being seen with a pregnant belly. She did this, she said, to protect herself.
“I don’t ever want to have to explain another loss to another human being…”
Because every time she had to explain it…she had to relive it.
That, in a nutshell, is the essence of why I found the need to separate, isolate and hide myself behind closed doors. Because, every time I had to explain it, I had to relive it. And reliving the death of a child means that you feel it, see it, hear it, think it, smell it…even taste it, once again.
Time has passed, I’m finished trying to have more children, and I am now able to write my story without reliving the pain of my experience. But that didn’t happen overnight, and it took hard work during every single moment of every single day and night, work that I still consistently commit myself to doing every day.
Women who are currently pregnant may not want to read my blog–they may start to think bad thoughts, to worry about what could happen in their own pregnancies after reading about mine. People who’ve recently lost, also, may not be ready to read and share. But, for those of you who are ready–and for those of you who just want to learn and understand–I’m sharing my stories so that you can fully grasp that you are not alone. That your thoughts are not crazy. That your emotions are not evil. That you have every single right to feel the way you feel. Without explanation…without apology.
And, I’m sharing my stories to give you hope, hope that, no matter where you are right now in your grieving process, that a door will someday open for you, that the sun will shine down on your face, that you will laugh and sing and dance again.
I know that this can be true for you, because it was true for me. Allow yourself to grieve–you’ve lost a dream, you’ve lost a life, you’ve lost your future. But, make sure that you eventually give yourself permission to heal, as well, on your own time, on your own schedule. A locked door is perfectly fine, as long as you always keep tabs of where the key to that door is, for those precious moments in time when you are finally ready to venture into new territory.
Thank you for “sharing” and “liking” any blog that moves you. Have a special day…♥
Photos on Visualhunt.com. Photo credit: liebeslakritze on Visual hunt / CC BY-SA. Photo credit: 待宵草 (Gino Zhang) on Visual Hunt / CC BY-NC-SA. Photo credit: mbphoto’s on Visualhunt / CC BY-NC-SA. Photo credit: SiV-Athens on Visualhunt / CC BY-NC-SA
Good words today.All true. There is no time schedule for going through grief. Everyone lives it in their own way and own time and it’s never something that’s over and done with. A few years ago, probably longer than I realize, a best friend of mine got a phone call that her son was dead and that he had committed suicide. He was in his 20’s I think and had three young children. I watched her want to die for so long. Eventually her and her husband moved to Florida. They could not continue to live here around all of the memories. Losing her was my own grief. I still miss her so much that I cry every time we talk or I think of her. She’s going on but will never really heal. Different from what you’ve gone through but so aweful in its own way.like you every time that day comes around on the calendar it’s like it’s the same day again for her. I have it marked on my calendar so that I can think of her and say extra prayers that day. There is nothing I could or can do to make it feel better. It will always be there tucked away inside of her. Anyway, just wanted to say that those who are living what you do need special care and understanding and not to expect them to be the person they used to be, maybe not ever. Life changes you in a way most people don’t know unless they’ve been there themselves. Grief doesn’t have a time limit.
That is so beautifully put, extremely loving and understanding. Thank you so much for your words. Your friend, even though she’s in Florida, feels your prayers, and I know in some way, they must bring her true peace. Hugs…
So touching and explains so much. So well written and may help others going through the loss of a child
I hope so. It can be a tough journey when you feel like you’re going it alone.
I cannot relate to what you have gone through, not to your specific loss. Yet, as a mother and as a grandmother, I do feel your pain, but am so glad that you are healing. I am well acquainted with grief and loss of another kind, though, so I understand the healing process those who grieve over loss must go through to find healing. I found my healing in Jesus Christ.
Thank you…I am healing, and try to look at everything that I’ve gone through as a gift, because in some way or another, even grief and loss can nudge us into being the individuals we were meant to be when we were first put here on this earth. Thanks for reading and sharing…
I so agree! I have the same perspective, and I have seen that become so true in my life, as well. Thank you for sharing that with me.
Thank you SO much for sharing…beautiful and so very touching. I think every mother’s heart is with you. You’re making a difference just by writing this. Big hugs.
Hugs back 🙂
Very wise words.
There is definitely no schedule..your amazing..Thank you for sharing that..so beautifully written and so honored..thats an incredible amount to process…my heart just leaps for you and your AMAZING space you have now to be free..
Thanks Kerri. Sometimes journeys don’t make sense, yet they still have to be taken. I’m finally at a place where I can stop to smell the roses again. 🙂
Your an amazing inspiration!
Wow, your writing is profound. You inspire me to go deeper. Thank you!
Many thanks…I’m truly inspired because people like you stop by to read and share. 🙂