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Butterly Blues

Wednesday’s Wildflower……”So when tomorrow starts without me, don’t think we’re far apart, for every time you think of me, I’m right here in your heart.”……David M. Romano

Do you believe in blue butterflies? Of course, you do. That’s because blue butterflies clearly exist.

But…do deep blue butterflies, like the one pictured in the photograph here, exist where I live, in the Pacific Northwest? I don’t know. I don’t honestly think so. Yet, there was a time when I relentlessly scanned the sky for them, from sunrise to sunset.

This was back when I was still trying to conceive another child. I had become somewhat addicted to the principles of the “Law of Attraction” during this time–you know, the “whatever you think about, you bring about” law that’s become quite popular in our culture. Most Law of Attraction experts recommend trying to attract something simple, yet unusual, in the beginning, something you wouldn’t normally see on an ordinary day. That way, when your unusual desire appears in your life, you can have that “aha moment” of…Oh my God, I attracted that to me! And then, of course, with this newfound confidence in your abilities to “create your future,” you are to go on to manifest even bigger and greater things. Well, I wanted to manifest a baby. And not just any baby, but a healthy, vibrant living child. So, I convinced myself that, if I could attract to me an exotic deep blue butterfly with a pitch black outer lining on it–with flecks of white found amidst the black lining–in an area of the world where these butterflies probably don’t easily exist, then that would be a clear sign that I would be able to go further and attract a baby to me.

Well, my blue butterfly never did appear. And, although I did conceive, several more times, each child died.

Fast forward to last week, in a space of time when blue butterflies were the last thing on my mind.

“Let’s stop here, Julian.”

My son, Julian, and I were out delivering books to random “Little Free Libraries” in our community. If you’re not familiar with the concept of a free library, it’s basically just a free book exchange run on the policy: “take a book, return a book.” We have several in our community, of all shapes and sizes, found usually next to the mailboxes in different neighborhoods. We’d already tried the free library on Julian’s mind–it had been too full to hold the books we were returning–so I suggested visiting the library that had been on my mind the whole time.

Placing our books inside to share with others, my hand touched a book on the way out, and without paying much attention, I pulled it out. But I didn’t notice the title immediately…I was too mesmerized by the deep blue butterfly found in the upper right-hand corner.

“What is it?” my son asked.

“It’s her,” I finally said. “My butterfly.”

The book, as it turned out, was called Proof of Heaven, by Eben Alexander, M.D. I took it home, absorbed every word, then sat back when finished reading to try to figure out what it all meant. But, that’s not all to this story. Because, over the course of the next two days, two more pieces of reading material basically fell into my lap…and on each piece was the exact same deep blue butterfly with the pitch black outer lining. And each piece of reading material, ironically, was centered around the afterlife, Heaven, and contact with something “beyond” us.

Now, granted, these events could have happened to anyone, but what I found particularly odd about it was that, from the time I’d first started looking for this particular butterfly, not one–anywhere–had ever appeared. And now, all of a sudden…I had three?

What did it mean? Although I have my own theory, I guess the interpretation is up to each individual. But…I have five children who passed away, and now I have three blue butterflies found on reading material centered around the afterlife. Guess what…I’m human…I started to cry. Not tears of grief though, more like tears of…comfort? Like I was being kissed on the forehead by a loving presence.

I don’t really want to say much more on this topic because, as I said, this entire post and the information in it is up to the interpretation of the reader, based on his or her own beliefs and/or values. But, there is a long poem at the end of the book, Proof of Heaven, that touched me deeply, and if you’ve lost someone, it may also touch you. And for those of you who lost a child before he or she technically “lived,” remember that you lost your future when that child died, as well. During your pregnancy, you must have imagined what your life with that child would have been like…you must have had plans, dreams and fantasies. So, this poem also applies to you, to the vision you had, the vision that died with your child. And, I apologize for the length of the poem that follows, but it is a quick read and, in my opinion, well worth it.


“When Tomorrow Starts Without Me” by David M. Romano

When tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not there to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry the way you did today,

While thinking of the many things, we didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,

And each time you think of me, I know you’ll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,

That an angel came and called my name, and took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready, in heaven far above

And that I’d have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye

For all my life, I’d always thought, I didn’t want to die.

I had so much to live for, so much left yet to do,

It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad,

I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday just even for a while,

I’d say good-bye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized that this could never be,

For emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things I might miss come tomorrow,

I thought of you, and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven’s gates I felt so much at home

When God looked down and smiled at me, from his great golden throne,

He said, “This is eternity, and all I’ve promised you.

Today your life on earth is past but here it starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,

And since each day’s the same way, there’s no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful, so trusting and so true

Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn’t do.

But you have been forgiven and now at last you’re free.

So won’t you come and take my hand and share my life with me?”

So when tomorrow starts without me, don’t think we’re far apart,

For every time you think of me, I’m right here, in your heart.

…Thank you for sharing and liking any post that moves you…


Photos on credit: <a href=””>PKMousie</a&gt; on <a href=”″></a&gt; / <a href=””&gt; CC BY-NC-SA</a>. Photo credit: <a href=”″>Etolane</a&gt; on <a href=”″>Visual Hunt</a> / <a href=””&gt; CC BY-NC-ND</a>.Photo credit: <a href=”″>Kerri Lee Smith</a> on <a href=””></a&gt; / <a href=””&gt; CC BY-NC-SA</a>. Photo credit: <a href=””>gusdiaz</a&gt; on <a href=””></a&gt; / <a href=””&gt; CC BY-NC-SA</a>

Just living is not must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower. ~Hans Christian Andersen

I am a mother, a blogger and the author of the memoir Pitter-Pat: A Mother's Journey from Loss to New Life. I am currently in training to be a life coach through Martha Beck's Wayfinder Life Coach Training Program. I write about grief, love, and the beauty of new beginnings. My other interests are meditating, walking outside and doing pretty much anything that brings me closer to nature.


    • awakeningwildflower
      May 2, 2018

      Thank you 🙂

  1. May 2, 2018

    So beautiful and comforting. The blue butterflies add a touch of heaven.

    • awakeningwildflower
      May 2, 2018

      They do, don’t they? I love blue butterflies…

  2. Oh my gosh, Amy….the minute I started to read your post and you mentioned a blue butterfly – I envisioned a book I have on a bookshelf at home…one I read a few times and couldn’t put down….The book is ‘Proof of Heaven’.
    I have serious goose bumps here.
    Thank you for sharing this beautiful post and thank you for writing! xoxo

    • awakeningwildflower
      May 2, 2018

      Aga, I feel like we’re suppose to meet!! Too much “sameness.” But then maybe blogging IS meeting. Whatever the case, I’m so glad you’re in my life…I consider you a true blessing…xoxo

      • I know, I feel the same exact way!!!
        True blessing! I’m SO glad! xoxo

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