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Somewhere in between

“And if I go while you’re still here…know that I live on, vibrating to a different measure behind a thin veil you cannot see through.”

Colleen Hitchcock, from Ascension

A friend of mine recently underwent surgery. Not a small surgery, but one during which she was “under” for quite some time. Inevitably, this caused me to time-travel back to my own last surgery, done two years ago this October. It was a simple inguinal hernia repair, which turned out to be not so simple due to scar tissue from my son’s c-section muddling things up. A procedure that was supposed to have taken approximately ninety minutes ended up taking double that time…all the better to effortlessly drift away in order to find out what was behind my eyes.

I can remember smiling on the way to the hospital, a strange calmness permeating the area around me. I don’t recall thinking any particular thoughts, but just felt peaceful about what was ahead.



“What are you thinking about?” my husband asked me, noticing my unusual silence, and the faraway look on my face.

“Nothing,” I replied, my eyes locked on the world passing by outside of the car window.

This was an honest answer. It wasn’t until I was in the prep-room for surgery, with the anesthesia slowly starting, that the truth behind the smile surfaced, surprising even me at what happened next.

“I’m going to see my babies,” I said to my anesthesia provider. Again, I remember smiling.

The man leaning over me wrinkled his forehead, wasn’t sure he’d heard correctly, but a friend of our family, and a kind soul, he smiled gently and let me drift off to sleep.

And, fall asleep I did, dreamy and excited to finally meet the five children I’d carried…and lost.

I have no memory of this, but I’m told that when I woke up, I was sobbing. “They weren’t there,” I cried, barely choking the words out. “I didn’t find them. My babies didn’t come see me when I was asleep.”

In retrospect…now…I realize that this was a blessing. Because I can’t imagine finding my children, seeing them, feeling them…and then being forced to say goodbye again. I can’t imagine…because all I’ve ever wanted to say was…”Hello.”

Photos on Photo credit: <a href=”″>chrisotruro</a&gt; on <a href=”″>Visual Hunt</a> / <a href=””&gt; CC BY-NC-SA</a>. Photo credit: <a href=”″>Threthny</a&gt; on <a href=””>VisualHunt</a&gt; / <a href=””&gt; CC BY-NC-SA</a>

Just living is not must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower. ~Hans Christian Andersen

I am a mother, a blogger and the author of the memoir Pitter-Pat: A Mother's Journey from Loss to New Life. I am currently in training to be a life coach through Martha Beck's Wayfinder Life Coach Training Program. I write about grief, love, and the beauty of new beginnings. My other interests are meditating, walking outside and doing pretty much anything that brings me closer to nature.


  1. October 14, 2018

    So sad, your babies are at peace now. Blessings of comfort

    • awakeningwildflower
      October 14, 2018

      Thank you…xoxo

    • awakeningwildflower
      October 29, 2018

      Thank you, my friend. Hugs…

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